The Closure that I have been waiting for ..................

Karma seems to work its way as well. I wouldn’t deny the slightest bit that I am a vengeful person. I would be the nicest of all if you treat me well, but if even the slightest I am illtreated, I will bite back. But ofcourse I am also a very forgetful person, hence normally I just forget what people did to me after a while.

But as close friends would know, I was very depressed and bothered by something over the past years. And without denying it, I admit it took such a long time to get over it, or maybe some small parts are still lingering, but definitely a SMALL part. All these while, apart from looking for LURVE *heehee*, I seldom blog about “that” nor hung my dirty laundries to the public. But after yesterday when I met up with Audrey, I felt so relieved and it seems that burdens had been lifted.

So this would be that first ever public blogging about my past as well as the last since it is served as a “closure”for myself.

I met her about 3 years (or more) back I guess, at the time when I was still extremely close to my cousin . She was the cousin’s close friend at that time and by some twist of fate, the first time I met her was at her birthday party at her house ! =) But nothing happened between us. I remembered her bubbly character, the “loudness” and those HUGE eyes =) ……. So we remained as “hi-bye” friends as I was interested in someone else at that time.

But her bubbly character was what attracted me, the simplicity of a girl. We started talking to each other more and more, and eventually we became very close, but that time I was studying at KTJ and things just couldn’t happen. So we would eventually stay stagnant as the “talk to you everyday” sort of friend for about 8 months until we broke the barrier and started the small and simple relationship.

Weirdly enough, we met each other THREE times just before we got together. I guess I was very naïve that time and presumed that it was because we clicked =) *would be explained later too*

So the journey began that time, and went on smoothly until I left for London, but during that time I was still in KTJ and I will never forget the encouragements you gave to me when I failed my results. I would hereby like to officially thank you “which I never did” for those encouragement and sweet words that propelled me to stand up for myself and eventually fought all the way and to make it to where am I today. we were supposed to try out and see whether things work out with the distance that was involved.

So time flew and eventually I got to where I wanted to be, in Imperial College, London; sacrificing the relationship……….. I could tell from her eyes right before I left London that she really didn’t want me to go but couldn’t stop me from pursuing my dreams, for that I am grateful. I never expected myself to be so committed into a relationship at that point as well. But no one knows what happens, so I was in London, starting a new life, but never able to leave her out of it. I took on a lifestyle that compromised myself as well as hers, I would stay in the room to call her everyday and night. Missing out tons of fun and experience, but I never regretted that. For being that persistent, I managed to come back for the first Easter break, we had a wonderful time together. I loved her even more then. I came back for the first summer, that I would say was the happiest three months so far, I loved her even deeper.

She needed the companionship, she couldn’t take it that her closest, Audrey and I was always away for most of the time and she needed someone to depend on. And during that time she just started college and that eventually contributed to her change and the destruction of “US”……………………………. Non of us were there for her………….

Like all people who were sheltered from the luxury of freedom, she was getting a taste of freedom after secondary school and gradually becoming rebellious. Me not being by her side eventually made her wanting to club even more, to experience “life”, to not miss out a single bit of youth. Distance of the relationship as well as the difference in time zone took its toll, she was no longer happy. She thinks that a phone call everyday wasn’t enough, she needs presence. The last time we were together as a couple was on the 1st of January 2005, I will never forget that day =). I came back from London for a week for her, that would be the last thing that I could do for her.

After my return to London, all we had were fights. Fights about her going to clubbing, about her going out, about her lying to me, about my short temper, my inconsideration. She could no longer be contained. She is no longer the girl with spectacles and low self esteem. She called it off on the 8th of Feb 2005

I tried all my might to get her back, all the way until the END. I had a trip to Italy, which was eventually her “reason” for our breakup, that I lied to her and cheated on her *which I never did* I never stopped trying even till the summer holiday. By then she was going out clubbing and having the “life” she was craving. I brought back something that she gave me to remind her about our sweet past. She told the world that I chucked back things that she gave me and destroyed it hence. I was hurt, really hurt. Yet I never stop trying to get her back to my side. BUT I only get to see her on the last night before I left back to London…………..

That was the most painful kiss I had………………………

Arriving London, I still had hopes, one week later, she got together with this new guy *whom Audrey admitted she introduced to her =)*

I was devastated………………………………………………………………..

I stopped contacting her from the moment her new bf picked up my call

I will then be so devastated that I just couldn’t move on, I never knew I was so madly in love with her. My friends tell me that I already did my best, the best a person in a long distance relationship could ever do. But I just couldn’t be satisfied, I kept asking why I gave her everything, but she wouldn’t see it. Efforts just went down the drain……. My sorrow would then dominate the rest of my time………..

I kept dreaming about her, all I could see was those teary eyes before I left to London, those moments we had. I was blinded……………………..

So eventually, time took its course and things slowly faded…*accompanied by quite some booze* I met an amazing girl and that helped quite a lot. She did hurt me deeply that I couldn’t love anymore, I wouldn’t dare commit into a relationship. And when everytime I thought I was over her, she would appear in my dreams………………..

I would say even at some point after she got together with her new guy, I knew that I still loved her and wouldn’t mind if she came back. That never happened, we never even spoke to each other, the only way I knew about her stuff was sneaking to read her blog…

She took away my heart and never returned, she took away my friends as well, the closest friend I had had been driven away from me because he was stuck at the middle of our sour break up. I was a unhappy person, sad person, I felt lonely, I felt lost, I felt betrayed, I felt I was no good.

I was never the best boyfriend in the world, but I did gave her my whole heart.

As I was healing, I grew stronger, nowadays I no longer think about her anymore. It was thanks to Audrey that I get my closure. I was out with her the night before she left to Japan. Audrey and her got into a massive fight and it was because she had changed so much, she basically had grudge on people whom left her to overseas…. Weirdly enough, although she claimed that she could no longer take the distance between us that time, she is in a long distance relationship again, I learnt that it was because she didn’t love me enough, she visited Australia but never London ………………….=) It was hurtful to know, but at least I know the FACTS. She clubs even more now, drinks like a mad women, addicted to piercings, even had a tattoo………………………. Audrey told me all of these………………..

Suddenly I felt a sharp pain, why would she become a person like that ? how could the adorable cute thing that I once fell heels over for became a piercing-tattoo addicted women. But suddenly I was relieved, Audrey gave me an solution that I was always seeking, I never get to see the current her, never get to know what is going on, all I had was those sweet memories, the times when we still could see eye to eye…………….

She is no longer a person I used to love, the girl I once said I will be there for her forever has disappeared. She is a completely different person now. I never expected myself to be able to sit down with Audrey and letting her tell me things like that too, she thinks that she had changed soo much as well and they could no longer be the bestest of friends; She needed the attention, she wanted the feeling of being in the center, a ducking whom became a swan that wanted to live the moment…. I felt in love with the simplicity of her beauty, now is she is a chick I would say……..

People change………………………………………………… don’t they ?

At least now I know I had the innocent/cute jiamin that many would not have seen apart from old friends. I now accept that God was being fair to me, cutting my loses ………..

I know it is weird to write so much after one year, I never vented it out to the public, I kept it inside myself, thinking that one day if I see her again, what would I feel. But now knowing that the her that I wanted is no longer there, I am satisfied with the time I have spent waiting and would definitely move on from here onwards.

The two years we had together was really fantastic, I knew that I had a great time, and memories too. The one year after that I was still in love with you……….. and part of me will always remember you, the old you =)

Good to know that you are happy, I never knew how to let someone be happy, I was always selfish, sorry for that. You showed me what true love was, it was something that could really go through EVERYTHING, when you claimed that I no longer love you, you were wrong, I was just letting you hurt myself so that you could lead on to a better life. I never said a single bad word about you once even after all those things, friends knew that I was deeply hurt, that’s all I had. Love is generous, never calculating, I learnt that from you, thank you.

Friends who managed to read up to this point, I am happy that you all get to share a small part of my life. If you all could understand my feelings now, it would be great, cause for those of you whom had spent time cheering me up, you know when I wrote this, I am CURED =)

I will definitely LOVE again, I will. !!!!

Thankx

Qz